Quick, take a few minutes and make a list of your top five television shows. Did you make the list in order of preference or did you list them in completely random order? Author, Robert Mayer, suggests in his new book, How to Win Any Argument (Revised Edition, Career Press, 2011, ISBN: 978-1-60163-181-7) that you probably listed them in a preferred order.
People tend to list items in importance according to their desires and priorities. Looking and listening for what matters to others is the first step in winning arguments. Mayer has written a guidebook for winning arguments by detailing a number of important and completely workable techniques.
Ways to Win Any Argument
Mayer gives readers 18 chapters filled with tips, techniques, research, highly unique case studies and many thoughts to ponder when trying to work through an argument. The information is such that once you read it, you should be able to instantly recall at least several of the techniques even in the most heated of discussions. The tips and techniques can easily become second nature.
Mayer writes, “What separates the amateurs from the pros is self-mastery. How you walk the valleys. How you maneuver the turns. How you’re able to get out of your own way.”
Based on the fact that others will react in an argument the way you act, Mayer suggests that gaining control of an argument begins by gaining control your reactions and actions. The book looks at how people get in their way when trying to win an argument that only makes situations worst.
Getting in Your Own Way in Arguments
Getting in one’s own way is usually an igniter for losing control of flare-ups and heated discussions. Mayer writes that people get in their own way by:
- Only seeing things the way they want them to be
- Coloring the world with expectations
- Making conclusions based on assumptions
The author provides ways to avoid getting in your own way in any type of argument. He presents case studies throughout the book to bring home the application of his suggestions. The case studies are short, highly unique and on-point. One example is he relates a story about a wise king that sends his three sons out to see a mongo grove and asks them to report on what they saw. Each saw the trees differently because they visited the grove at different times of the year. Proving that the perception provided by all of his sons were true.
Three Truths about Conflict
Mayer provides a section on the magic of threes and how it relates to winning arguments. He lists three truths about conflict including:
- Escalating conflict prolongs conflict
- Conflicts follow a path from mature to immature
- As conflict continues, people take stands versus trying to understand other's side
Mayer provides 20 “Heavy Metal Moves” to resolve or cool conflicts.
You are a Self-Contained Business
While there are many good points provided in the book including tips on winning arguments using the proper written or spoken words, the most interesting point for me was at the end of the book. Mayer writes, “Each of us is a self-contained business. That is truer today than ever before.”
He goes onto say that you are what people think and say about you. For personal or professional use, the book makes a good reference guide, especially for those that have not had any conflict resolution or formal management and leadership training. It is well written in a lively voice. Mayer wins his argument that he can teach readers how to win any argument.
